Need 4 Speed Nigeria: "Comot For Road!"

NAVIGATING ABUJA

The city of Abuja may not be as picturesque, exciting, or endowed with a reliable electric supply as some places, but one art-form in which the city's urban planners transcended all expectations was the partial construction of roads. As a result, much of the city resembles an abortive racecourse, with dusty government buildings providing a suitably edifying backdrop for the millions of aspiring Formula 1 drivers who enthusiastically engage in the no-holds-barred-take-all-comers-any-flat-surface-will-do melee that is Nigerian driving. Adherence to traditional driving restrictions - such as speed limits, lanes, right of way, signaling, and driving on a particular side of the road - is entirely optional and unenforced, so that cars move around the road with the fluidity of a group of jittery snakes. 

Abuja's combination of (i) decent roads, (ii) thousands of civil servants commuting from the city’s surrounding “satellite towns”, and (iii) a strictly-enforced ban on the “Okada” bikes found in other parts of Nigeria has created a demand for transport which legions of green-and-white taxis and buses (passenger vans) have seized with both hands.

Sir, your chariot of fire awaits.

Abuja taxis really are terrific. They might not all be 100% roadworthy, but they are safe (I’ve had no problems after more than 500 journeys, knock on wood) and are available virtually regardless of time or place. A trip rarely costs more than $3, for which they will take you across town and wait for you at multiple stops. Most of all, in a sterile pre-fabricated city, they are an illuminating way of coming into contact with and learning about ordinary Nigerians. My conversations with taxi drivers, usually about whatever is in the newspapers or the radio on that day, are one of the best ways to find out what’s going on around the city and the country. Unfortunately, like all rough diamonds, Abuja taxis have their flaws.

THE UNFORTUNATE HABITS OF ABUJA TAXI DRIVERS

1) Not knowing where they are going

Abuja taxi drivers navigate the city firstly on the basis of landmarks, then neighborhoods, and only then, on rare occasions, by knowing actual street names. Communicating about unfamiliar locations can be a challenging at times, but most drivers will admit it if they don’t know where you want to go. Unfortunately, there is also a silent minority who, lured by the promise of a good fare from an Oyibo man, will pretend that he knows where you are going and start driving off in a random direction in the hope that you will somehow arrive at your desired destination. I honestly don’t know what these guys are thinking or what they would do if you just left them to it. Maybe they just drive home. No idea. Once you realize that the driver is groping in the dark and confront him about it, he will usually reply with the cryptic truism: “But you know where it is.” At this point, just find another cab.

2) Driving like a hyena on speed

Most Abuja taxi drivers are like taxis anywhere in the world – aggressive and impatient, but extremely practiced and controlled. However, since basically anyone with a car can be a taxi in Abuja, one occasionally comes across an absolute maniac, who typically wants to have an animated conversation about President Obama and Nigeria’s politicians over the music blasting from his broken radio, while he tailgates, runs red lights, hits speed bumps at 70 mph, and weaves through impossibly narrow gaps in traffic in a car with rust holes in the floor. These testosterone-fuelled cosmonauts always seem to have dodgy brakes as well.

That facial expression says it all.

3) Attempting to renegotiate the fare on the fly

To avoid exorbitant fares, it is best practice to agree a price with the driver before entering the cab. This negotiation is a complex one, and can depend on (i) your destination (ii) the availability of cabs (iii) the price of fuel (iv) traffic holdups (v) whether you are a foreigner (vi) your charisma and ability to speak pidgin and numerous other seasonal factors. On occasion, even this pricing formula is not enough: certain opportunistic individuals will interpret any form of unexpected delay or obstacle as an opportunity to restructure the price of your trip with complex conditionalities involving the time spent in traffic, the exact distance travelled (one guy tried to charge me extra for going about 100 meters further than we had agreed, after driving 5 miles across town without complaint) the length of a certain traffic light, or the possibility of adverse road conditions like rain. In principle, there’s nothing wrong with this behavior, since everything in Nigeria basically negotiable. However, it’s worth noting that these same taxi drivers will never offer to knock money off the price when the journey goes smoothly.

4) Going to get gas on the clock

For me, this is possibly the most annoying of all the bad habits, because it is so clearly premeditated. You might be forgiven for naively thinking, “Hey, maybe they ran out of gas by accident!” especially since the gas meters on most taxis are broken. Nonsense. When gas is your main variable cost, you know exactly how much is in the tank at all times, and drivers will soldier on until the car reaches its “true” empty. (In case you were not aware, cars still have a couple gallons in the tank when the meter reads ‘Empty’.) For some reason, certain drivers appear to think that it’s cool to announce that they need gas half way through a journey while pulling into the gas station line (there's always a line for gas) and then wonder why you jump out. Fortunately, there will always be another taxi pulling out of the gas station when you arrive. 

5) Arguing with people

Nigeria can be a pretty tough country in which to be a reserved and passive person, since the outcome of everyday disputes tends favor those who argue the most forcefully, rather than the person with the strongest argument. The lives of taxi drivers, who are hardened by the stresses of Nigerian driving, are no exception. This simmering road rage manifests itself in some unpredictable ways: Last week, the driver of my morning taxi got into a dispute with the man he was buying mobile phone credit from while we were stopped at red light, because the vendor didn’t have complete change. After shouting "Comot for road!" (Get off the road) and "You dey craze!" at one another a couple of times, the driver turned off the engine, and got out of the car to pursue the matter further, at which point the light naturally changed to green. For a few seconds, the drivers of the neighboring vehicles didn’t move either, transfixed as they were by our unfolding mini-drama.

Another amusing subplot is the cat-and-mouse game played by drivers of unlicensed taxis with the traffic police who are out to catch and fine them. If you notice the traffic cops approaching, one option is to quickly ask the driver his name and pretend that he is your personal chauffeur. Doing this successfully is probably the only way to get a free taxi ride in Nigeria.

This picture comes from the "International Brain Awareness Week" website.
The road safety officer on the left is holding a replica of the human brain. 
I have no words.

Nigerian Pidgin: how the plastic bag got its name

WETIN BE "PIDGIN"?

As noted in the last post, one of the things I've enjoyed learning about most during my time in Nigeria (aka. "Naija" or "9ja") is the form of "pidgin" English that people speak in casual settings. Pidgin is a great language; it's expressive, humorous, adaptable, and so deceptively complex that my knowledge of it is still only sufficient for very simple conversations, after more than a year of avid amateur learning.

This one no be pidgin!

When I asked one of my Nigerian friends to describe pidgin he called it "English, but flipped on its head," which I think is a good way to look at it. Pidgin uses mostly english words (or adaptations of english words, such as "dey" for "do") plus some words from the tribal languages mixed in, and with different sentence structures and word choice, for example:

"Wetin you dey talk?" for "What are you saying?"
"Abeg, make we go chop." for "Please, let's go eat." 

"Me self, I dey laugh, o!" for "I laughed."
"No wahala." for "No problem." (Hence, the url of this blog.)

The word "chop" can mean "to steal" as well as "to eat". For this reason, people will say quite literally that "politicians are eating our money." The words "now?" and "abi?" are also added to the ends of sentences to indicate a question:

"Wetin dey do you, noooow?" for "What are you doing?"

"Holdup dey for road, abi?" for "There's a traffic jam on the road, is it not?"

Note that this use of "now" means that you have to say "now now" if you actually want something now. Other words are often duplicated for emphasis as in "small small boy." Perhaps the two most useful words of all are "oga" for chief/boss/man and "oyibo" for foreigner or white person, which are pronounced "o-GA" and "oyibO" respectively. "Chairman" is also an acceptable substitute for oga, while an oyibo like me can been addressed as "Mr. White", "James Bond" and "Captain America" at various times.

This is me in Nigeria.

DIGRESSION: Note that these names often have nothing to do with where you are actually from. Don't take it personally. A surprising number of Nigerians have a tough time distinguishing between the ethnicities of pretty much all non-Africans. I once had the following interaction with a well-meaning taxi driver:

Taxi Driver: Sir, I want to go to your country, but I need a visa.
Me: Which country is that?
Taxi Driver: China!
Me: Sorry oga, can't help you there.

Similarly, random people often ask me if my Indian housemate is my sister, despite seemingly undeniable differences in our skin tone, facial features, eye and hair color, height, and basically general appearance. However, If you think this is a sign of ignorance or find it hard to believe that people could make such errors, you may want to ask yourself if you can consistently distinguish between Hausa, Yoruba and Igbo people (I still can't) or between west and east Africans. Didn't think so. DIGRESSION OVER.

One confusing phrase in common usage is "Well done!" which is used as a greeting, especially for people who are "on the job", and applies irrespective of whether they are actually doing anything, or doing it well. It takes some time to get used to not asking "For what?" when people greet you on your way into the grocers.

Another personal favorite is the exclamation, "Kai!!!" which is basically a much better version of words like "drat!" or "darn!" - a swear word for people wishing to avoid actual swearing. A single "Kai!" (pronounced like the greek letter "chi" in "chi-squared") conveys frustration or anger, while several Kais in quick succession: "Kai!Kai!Kai!" express something closer to exasperation or despair.

ALSO KNOWN AS...

Home cooking.

New pidgin words are often borne out of their association with something. Naturally, some of these are prominent brands names such as "Gala" for a sausage rolls, or "Indomie" for ramen/instant noodles. I realized I had been in Nigeria for a while when, after stopping at a traffic light on my way to work one morning, I started casually shouting "Gala! Gala!" to the street vendors. Naturally, they understood right away, and I had my breakfast in no time. Had I been shouting for a "Sausage roll!" instead, I would have been greeted with the sort of confused but sympathetic smiles that you give a child when it says something slightly stupid.

Some associations are more complex, such as the use of "4-1-9" for a scam or fraud. This apparently originates from the legal code, Section 419 presumably, that was put in place to address the infamous "advance fee" internet scams originating from the country.

Then there's "Dundee", an insult for someone who is foolish or incompetent, which supposedly originates from a long-ago series of nationwide exhibitions matches played by Scottish football club Dundee United, in which the visitors were summarily thrashed by their Nigerian opposition, and evidently failed to impress all around.

With that mascot, I can't say I'm suprised.

GHANA MUST GO!

However, the most interesting name I've heard is the one given to reusable plastic carrier bags of the sort that are often sold at supermarkets nowadays. I learned the name for this item the hard way when, shortly after getting to Nigeria, I went to Wuse market in Abuja to buy some random household stuff. (Sponges were required. It's a long story, involving three very unfortunate frozen chickens.)

I had seen other people walking around the market with reusable bags, and after about 10 minutes had accumulated enough items that I figured a bag would be useful. So I asked the shopkeeper if he had any of the "good plastic shopping bags." Silly me.

Maybe I was just unlucky, but this particular individual didn't seem to have any idea what I was talking about, although he was not about to let such trivialities prevent the successful conclusion of a sale. After several false starts we found a place that was selling them, and my shopping companion looked at me with dismay and said, "This one na Ghana-must-go."  

The term "Ghana-must-go" originates from 1983 when, in a fit of populism/jingoism, Nigeria's then-leader Shehu Shagari ordered the immediate mass expulsion of more than a million Ghanians living in Nigeria. (Nearly 30 years later, I think it's fair to say that this extraordinary action yielded no appreciable benefit to Nigerians. Take note, "anti-immigration" people.) To quote no less an authority than Harvard University's Radcliffe Quarterly: "In their rush to flee the country, these refugees turned cheap bags of woven plastic into makeshift luggage. A bag of this sort is now commonly referred to in Nigeria as a “Ghana must go.”

Aside from their surprising durability and cheapness, another praiseworthy feature of the Ghana-must-go is that their rectangular shape and low profile makes them ideal for accommodating large quantities of stacked banknotes. (One regularly-sized one supposedly accommodates exactly 10,000,000 naira in N1000 bills) Naturally, a pidgin phrase has evolved - to "carry ghana-must-go" - which describes the process of attempting to unduly influence public officials with a thoughtfully packaged bag of monetary instruments. This way, should the recepient decide to buy a new Land Cruiser Prado, or simply wish to depart the country at speed, it will be no wahala.

This is what $200,000 looks like.

Btw the hilarious "Stuff Nigerian People Like" blog has a good post on Ghana-must-go:
http://www.stuffnigerianpeoplelike.com/2009/08/31/ghana-must-go/

How to make Nigerian cops laugh, and avoid paying "dash"

WHAT IS "DASHING"?

Well... not exactly...                                                  

In Nigeria, it is common practice for police officers, immigration officials to ask visitors for a small "dash" which, depending on your worldview and whatnot, can be interpreted either as "a tip" or "bribe". (The difference is pretty trivial.) I think westerners tend to vastly overestimate the importance of bribery as a form of corruption because it's what visitors are exposed to the most. When I first got to Nigeria, I too assigned a lot of importance to these instances, thinking that I could get into some kind of major "wahala" (wahala is slang for "problem" or "issue") if I didn't pay, or that the requests for dash from official people were a sign of some kind of serious social/political problem in Nigeria. 

I don't want to encourage people to be flippant with Nigerian officials, or suggest that corruption is anything other than Nigeria's greatest social and political challenge (Note: I'll write more on that another time...) but the reality is that when people ask you for a dash, it's usually just a kind of hopeful opportunism, the thought process being: "Maybe this foreigner is rich and gullible enough to give me some money for basically no reason." This rather unfortunate relationship means that a lot of the foreigners I know in Nigeria often really dislike the cops and have a hard time with them. Personally, I find the situations pretty manageable, provided you have the right tools.

HOW TO AVOID DASHING

By far the most effective way to avoid dashing Nigerian cops is to tell them that they are fat. I'm serious. I've done this dozens of times, and they loved it every time, and I never dashed any of them. The only caveat is that it works better the skinnier you are.

Confused? Of course you are. This technique works because, while Nigeria has plenty of the same ostentatious, consumption-based "bling" culture that people seem to find so enthralling elsewhere (no idea why, it's lame) one thing they have not imported is the western obsession with being thin. (Personal note: it comes naturally... envy me.) For a lot of Nigerians, carrying a little bit of extra weight around is a visible sign of prosperity - a person with a belly must be eating well and living comfortably.  

Note: not an actual Nigerian cop.

This does not mean that shouting "you're fat" is going to work for you. The following example illustrates successful use of this highly effective tactic, with subtitles explaining the Nigerian pidgin english.

FADE IN.

You're driving at night, a policeman with AK-47 signals for you to pull your car over, and approaches the window for a chat.

Policeman:

Oga, anything for the boys?
[Hey man, give me some money.]

You wave your hands in exasperation and disbelief.

You:

A-a! A-beg Oga! Why noooow!?

[Come on, dude, leave me alone.]

Policeman looks annoyed/amused.

Policeman:

You want me to have a good weekend?
[Dude, I need money here.]

You point at his stomach, and then back at your own stomach.

You: 

Oga, see your belle... now, see my own... and you still want to chop my food? A beg, make I no starve!

[Dude, look how fat you are, and look how skinny I am, and you still want to take my money? Do you want me to starve?]

Policeman (laughing): 

A beg, go!

[Lol, you're cool. Go ahead.]

FADE OUT.

So there it is! With a little bit of practice it works every damn time, and the cops will find it hilarious, which can be helpful at times. (Note: on the other hand, if you're the kind of generous soul who feels like supplementing the income of policemen, who are paid peanuts, don't let me stop you.)

The serious point that I'm making here is that my most valuable asset in carrying out my daily business in Nigeria is knowing a little bit of the local pidgin language, but more importantly an understanding of their culture and sense of humor. I have also used bits of slang like "No wahalla." (meaning, "no problem") to break the tension in meetings at work, particularly when I was saying something that people weren't keen to hear. The response in Nigeria is almost always something like: "You are becoming a real Nigerian! Next we will find you a nice Nigerian girl to marry!"

Whether one embraces such marriage proposals is largely a matter of personal preference, as well as the financial implications of Nigerian weddings.

He's not cheap.