How to make Nigerian cops laugh, and avoid paying "dash"

WHAT IS "DASHING"?

Well... not exactly...                                                  

In Nigeria, it is common practice for police officers, immigration officials to ask visitors for a small "dash" which, depending on your worldview and whatnot, can be interpreted either as "a tip" or "bribe". (The difference is pretty trivial.) I think westerners tend to vastly overestimate the importance of bribery as a form of corruption because it's what visitors are exposed to the most. When I first got to Nigeria, I too assigned a lot of importance to these instances, thinking that I could get into some kind of major "wahala" (wahala is slang for "problem" or "issue") if I didn't pay, or that the requests for dash from official people were a sign of some kind of serious social/political problem in Nigeria. 

I don't want to encourage people to be flippant with Nigerian officials, or suggest that corruption is anything other than Nigeria's greatest social and political challenge (Note: I'll write more on that another time...) but the reality is that when people ask you for a dash, it's usually just a kind of hopeful opportunism, the thought process being: "Maybe this foreigner is rich and gullible enough to give me some money for basically no reason." This rather unfortunate relationship means that a lot of the foreigners I know in Nigeria often really dislike the cops and have a hard time with them. Personally, I find the situations pretty manageable, provided you have the right tools.

HOW TO AVOID DASHING

By far the most effective way to avoid dashing Nigerian cops is to tell them that they are fat. I'm serious. I've done this dozens of times, and they loved it every time, and I never dashed any of them. The only caveat is that it works better the skinnier you are.

Confused? Of course you are. This technique works because, while Nigeria has plenty of the same ostentatious, consumption-based "bling" culture that people seem to find so enthralling elsewhere (no idea why, it's lame) one thing they have not imported is the western obsession with being thin. (Personal note: it comes naturally... envy me.) For a lot of Nigerians, carrying a little bit of extra weight around is a visible sign of prosperity - a person with a belly must be eating well and living comfortably.  

Note: not an actual Nigerian cop.

This does not mean that shouting "you're fat" is going to work for you. The following example illustrates successful use of this highly effective tactic, with subtitles explaining the Nigerian pidgin english.

FADE IN.

You're driving at night, a policeman with AK-47 signals for you to pull your car over, and approaches the window for a chat.

Policeman:

Oga, anything for the boys?
[Hey man, give me some money.]

You wave your hands in exasperation and disbelief.

You:

A-a! A-beg Oga! Why noooow!?

[Come on, dude, leave me alone.]

Policeman looks annoyed/amused.

Policeman:

You want me to have a good weekend?
[Dude, I need money here.]

You point at his stomach, and then back at your own stomach.

You: 

Oga, see your belle... now, see my own... and you still want to chop my food? A beg, make I no starve!

[Dude, look how fat you are, and look how skinny I am, and you still want to take my money? Do you want me to starve?]

Policeman (laughing): 

A beg, go!

[Lol, you're cool. Go ahead.]

FADE OUT.

So there it is! With a little bit of practice it works every damn time, and the cops will find it hilarious, which can be helpful at times. (Note: on the other hand, if you're the kind of generous soul who feels like supplementing the income of policemen, who are paid peanuts, don't let me stop you.)

The serious point that I'm making here is that my most valuable asset in carrying out my daily business in Nigeria is knowing a little bit of the local pidgin language, but more importantly an understanding of their culture and sense of humor. I have also used bits of slang like "No wahalla." (meaning, "no problem") to break the tension in meetings at work, particularly when I was saying something that people weren't keen to hear. The response in Nigeria is almost always something like: "You are becoming a real Nigerian! Next we will find you a nice Nigerian girl to marry!"

Whether one embraces such marriage proposals is largely a matter of personal preference, as well as the financial implications of Nigerian weddings.

He's not cheap.