Boko Haram: Ideology or Interest?

Not be confused with...

I originally wrote this as a research proposal, but it's a good summary of my outlook on Nigeria's home-grown terrorist organization...

During my time living in Nigeria, I have found it interesting to observe the apparent disconnect between how the Boko Haram phenomenon is interpreted by Nigerians and foreign analysts. Nigerians generally view the group as motivated by political interest, while foreign commentary tends to focus on its Islamist ideology. 

Since the bombing of the United Nations building in Abuja in August 2011[1], international analysis has characterized  Boko Haram as Nigeria's manifestation of a network of  terrorist organizations with a global political agenda, motivated by extremist interpretations of Islamic laws and traditions. Attention is principally given to Boko Haram's public demands for the imposition of Sharia law across Nigeria, and its possible affiliations with Al-Qaeda.[2] (A notable exception to this analytical bent is the US Institute of Peace report, "What is Boko Haram?"[3])

By contrast, domestic analysis regards the UN bombing as something of an anomaly, and places much greater focus on Nigeria's current political situation. Particular emphasis is placed on the severe poverty and under-development prevalent in Northern Nigeria, and the role of President Goodluck Jonathan, a southern Christian from the Ijaw minority tribe, in galvanizing latent Northern opposition to the Federal government[4] and unsuccessfully attempting to confront Boko Haram through prolonged armed interventions and sporadic negotiations[5]. Domestic analysts are more likely to treat Boko Haram not as a single, clearly defined sect of religious terrorists, but as a collection of loosely associated groups, lacking common leadership, resources, ideology or objectives. In Nigeria, it is also widely acknowledged that the label "Boko Haram" has at times also been appropriated by groups engaged in unrelated tribal and territorial disputes, and misapplied by the Nigerian media as a catch-all term to identify the perpetrators of acts of violence in which known representatives of Boko Haram denied involvement.[6]

Nothing to see here...

Skepticism about the group's Islamist motivations can be attributed to the repeated undermining of the group's ideological credibility by its leadership. Firstly, statements made by Boko Haram founder Mohammed Yusuf to the BBC Hausa service shortly before he was killed in a police raid, indicated his belief that, "the earth was flat, and that rain was not caused by evaporation from the ground."[7] Later, conflicting statements were made by the several self-appointed Boko Haram "spokesmen" about the group's willingness to negotiate with the government. More recently, strident demands by group leader Abubakar Shekau that the President should "resign and convert to Islam" were met with derision and dismissed by domestic political figures.[8]

Suspicions that the group is instead motivated by political interests have been stoked by several developments:

First, President Jonathan has publicly stated that Boko Haram backers and sympathisers are "in the executive arm of the government; some of them are in the parliamentary/legislative arm of the government, while some are even in the legislative arm. Some are also in the armed forces, the police and other security agencies."[9]  

...and some are in court.

Second, the arrest and ongoing trial of Senator Mohammed Ali Ndume on terrorism charges, for allegedly sponsoring Boko Haram, illustrated the group's high level links in government. The accused responded with a litany of similar allegations against prominent figures including the Vice President, Namadi Sambo.[10] Martin Elechi, Governor of Ebonyi State, has also commented that, “Politicians hijacked the sect’s activities for their selfish purposes after the emergence of President Goodluck Jonathan as the PDP candidate for last year’s presidential elections. Immediately Jonathan was announced as the winner of the primaries, Northern Governors started receiving text messages from their people accusing them of being anti-Islam."[11]

Third, Boko Haram has predominantly victimized "ordinary citizens" at churches and crowded public areas[12], without carrying out any targeted assassinations of high profile politicians. This is despite prevailing public frustration at Nigeria's leaders for pervasive corruption and under-development in the country, reinforcing the perception that the 'true' force behind the group was the politicians themselves. It is also noteworthy that early Boko Haram attacks focused on military and police targets, expanding to church attacks later on, suggesting that the group's initial motive may have been political, not religious.[13]

Clearly, ideology and interest are not mutually exclusive drivers, and Boko Haram is in all likelihood motivated by a combination of the two. However, the policy prescriptions and strategic challenges that must be faced in overcoming Nigeria's present insecurity will be coloured by the perspective in which it is analyzed. 

Genuine religious zealots are unlikely to be placated by the same measures that were used to bring the Niger Delta militancy to a resolution. The Delta crisis was resolved by a combination of the Presidential Amnesty Program, in which militants who handed in their weapons were provided with employment opportunities, and a major increase in government spending through the several agencies operating in the Delta region. The election of a president from the South-South area no doubt eased matters as well. Such carrots are unlikely to be sufficient enticement for someone committed to the idea of sharia law across Nigeria.

The government has certainly tried to employ the "big stick" instead, with extended deployments of a large military Joint Task Force, and major increases in the 2011 and 2012 budget appropriations for security, to little effect. The JTF have been accused of extrajudicial executions of "suspected Boko Haram" members, and human rights abuses. Their tendency towards wanton violence even drew admonition from the US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, rarely the first to criticize vigorous military actions in the War On Terror. Ms Clinton talked of the need for a focus on delivering development in Northern Nigeria. Far easier said than done, but giving opportunities to some of the millions of unemployed young men would be unlikely to go amiss.

Still, poverty in Northern Nigeria is hardly a new development, while Boko Haram is a recent arrival. If one asks "what changed?" it's hard to escape the depressing conclusion that, after all is said and tried, a change of President is the single most likely remedy to this supposedly religious conflict, and no such change is imminent. Without Goodluck (whose name seems less and less apt as time goes on) it's possible this problem would not even exist. In the eyes of some, his only truly irredeemable sin is to lack the steely resolve of a military dictator like his antecedent Olusegun Obasanjo. As any taxi driver can tell you, "In Obasanjo's time, this Boko Haram of-a-thing would have stopped long ago! He would have finished them!"

What would OBJ do?

---

[1] Reuters News US, Link

[2] Digital Journal, Link

[3] United States Institute of Peace, Link

[4] Nigeria News Service, Link

[5] Guardian (Nigeria) Link

[6] Punch (Nigeria) Link

[7] USIP

[8] CNS News Link

[9] Guardian (UK) Link

[10] Vanguard Link

[11]Guardian (Nigeria) Link

[12] The Africa Report Link

[13] National Public Radio (US) Link

Sahara Reporters Link

Pumped Up

Nigeria's artificial fuel crisis presents its leadership with real problems  

Oiling the wheels

Largely unbeknownst to people outside Nigeria, the country is currently being held to ransom by the middlemen in a multi-billion dollar illicit payment scheme, who are betting that money, influence, and the "Nigerian factor" will allow them to prevail.

The perpetrators of this latest duplicity are a band of infamous profiteers known collectively as "oil marketing" firms. Their present desire is two-fold:

1.      To be removed from a list of companies who are being instructed to return billions of Naira to the Treasury after being publicly implicated by a high-profile National Assembly probe, which revealed positively eye-watering levels of corruption of the country's "fuel subsidy" scheme.

2.      To continue receiving fuel subsidy payments, despite pleas from the Ministry of Finance that the money budgeted for the subsidy this year has been exhausted.

The "subsidy probe" was originally spawned by nationwide protests against the President's ill-fated attempt to abruptly end the fuel subsidy this past January, more than doubling fuel prices and shutting down the economy for a week, until he was forced to partially reinstate the program. The investigation has long since transcended into political melodrama, with the head of the probe committee revealing himself a hypocrite by rather naively taking a $620,000 bribe in what turned out to be a police sting operation (google "Faroukgate"). Lost in the fog of political war was the fact that the Nigerian government appeared to have spent billions of Naira buying fuel which either never existed, or whose price had been hiked up, from a "cabal" of shady, politically-connected oil marketers. Particularly curious was the manner in which this spending had rocketed upwards during the months leading up to the 2011 general elections, seemingly in defiance of global market prices at the time.

Fill 'er up

The oil marketers' latest attempt to resuscitate their flow of stolen money first came to my attention a few days ago when, with no warning or apparent reason, cars began queuing outside Abuja petrol stations, and taxi drivers started asking for higher fares because there is "fuel scarcity." At first I paid this no mind since, on its own, there is nothing unusual or alarming about a fuel shortage in Nigeria. In the time I've been here there has been one every six months or so, and their possible causes are legion. In the absence of a public transport system, Nigerians are extremely dependent on their cars, such that even rumors of a fuel shortage are enough to trigger panic buying and round-the-block lines at petrol stations. Besides, Ramadan was coming to an end, and those wishing to travel during the Sallah holiday were bound to put some strain on fuel supplies. It was probably nothing to worry about...

Little did I know that this scarcity was in fact wholly artificial; a political creation, made possible by the convoluted and fragile process by which petrol reaches the pump in Nigeria. The first source of complication is that, although it is a leading producer of crude oil, the country lacks sufficient oil refineries to satisfy its domestic demand for refined petroleum products, despite decades of heavy investment in the sector. This places Nigeria in the ironic position of importing most of its refined petroleum, most notably gasoline for cars. This imported "premium motor spirit" is then subsidized by the government, with the aim of maintaining a pump price of N97 (60 cents) a litre.

Subsidize this

The decision to subsidize petrol was originally a populist gesture by the government - a quick and easy way to lower the cost of living for the populace, and pacify complaints that all of Nigeria's oil money was disappearing. However, the distorted prices created by the subsidy are also an easy avenue for criminal behavior. Fuel tanker ships would "arrive" in Nigerian ports, only to mysteriously vanish after the subsidy payment was made, reappearing in neighboring countries where the fuel could be sold at full price. In other cases, they might not have existed at all. Paperwork known as "bills of lading" would be falsified to indicate that a ship had left port on a day in which petrol prices were especially high, guaranteeing maximum subsidy payment. Or Nigerian petrol stations would simply sell fuel at prices above the official rate, especially outside urban areas where desperate buyers have no choice but to pay. When it comes to manipulating the subsidy, the angles are practically endless.

The second wrinkle in the fuel supply is that, due to inadequate gas pipeline infrastructure, the bulk of Nigeria's imported fuel must be carried from the port to its final destination on the backs of fuel tanker trucks. This has two significant implications:

1. The combination of bad roads and reckless driving makes the tankers a frequent party to Nigeria's most horrific and deadly traffic accidents
2. The petrol tanker drivers - and their union - wield enormous power.

Those in search of a crude but effective way to bring Nigeria's economy to a halt and foment an instant political crisis need look no further than "NUPENG", the Nigerian Union of Petroleum and Natural Gas Workers. The mere threat of a strike by these critical individuals is enough to stop fuel deliveries, prompt gas hoarding, and send prices skywards. Any President worth his salt must be able to effectively "negotiate" with NUPENG.

So it was that the oil marketers, facing public humiliation and the prospect of being weaned off of their cash cow, quietly arranged with NUPENG to disrupt the Sallah period, targeting Abuja, the seat of government, to make sure their message reached its intended audience. After first allowing a few days of confusion about the cause of shortage, the conspirators revealed themselves and laid out their demands: Pay us "our" subsidy money, and halt any indictments from the corruption probe, or there will be no fuel. Even in a country where politics is a dirty, dangerous game and expectations are low, such an obvious attempt at intimidation is playing hardball.

A shortage of Goodluck

The irony for President Goodluck Jonathan, who is constantly described as "embattled" these days, is that this is one battle that he actually chose. His initial attempt to bring the subsidy to an end appears to have been well-intentioned, even if the implementation was heavy-handed. Although he was eventually forced into a compromise, managing to raise the official price to N97 from N65 was a major accomplishment in an area where many politicians would not dare to tread. It signalled his intention to combat corruption, and to reduce the fiscal burden of a program that was threatening to bankrupt the country. There is even talk of a "Subsidy Reinvestment Program" - to channel the money saved from subsidy payments into infrastructure and development projects - which was later subjected to drastic budget cuts. Goodluck also set about replacing the board of directors of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation in the hope of consolidating his power and eventually bringing the graft under control.

Maybe he misread the political environment or over-estimated his own strength, but since then Jonathan has appeared to lack the political backbone to confront the shadowy underworld of corruption in Nigeria. From the public's point of view, the President seems to have raised their cost of living and weakened one of the few government programs that actually impacts their daily lives, without substantially addressing the criminality plaguing the system. Under constant criticism for his inability to control the increasingly deadly attacks of the loosely-organized, politically-driven Boko Haram terrorist group, and now apparently unable to stabilize fuel supply, the President is between a rock and a hard place.

The range of possibilities in front of Jonathan now are unappealing. The first option is to stay the course: the government has budgeted N888 billion for subsidy payments this year, a major reduction compared to the more than N2 trillion ($12.5bn) paid out in 2011. This sum was put forward by Minister of Finance Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, whose reputation for reform and fiscal prudence made her a serious challenger for president of the World Bank  earlier this year.

The N888 billion figure was arrived at using a model which rather optimistically postulated a "zero corruption" scenario, and derived the amount of subsidy that should be paid from assumptions about underlying market conditions. Unfortunately, this technocratic solution was quickly undermined by the need to pay a substantial amount of arrears, owed to the oil marketers from previous years' deals. The arrears, combined with the slim likelihood of attaining zero corruption in the subsidy scheme overnight, meant that the budgeted money was always bound to run out prematurely.

Ms. Okonjo-Iweala will probably encourage the president to stick to his guns, and refuse to make further subsidy payments this year. However, the oil marketers have now made clear what their response will be, and the weary President will be supremely reluctant to risk further crippling fuel scarcities to fight the subsidy removal battle all over again.

Kicking the can down the road

It is far more likely that the President will instead decide to "settle" NUPENG and the oil marketers by resuming subsidy payments and finding some means by which to stall or "step down" the subsidy probe, hoping that it will eventually fade from public memory.

However, giving his adversaries the golden handshake will not be without a political and economic cost. Firstly, it will represent yet another embarrassing reversal of policy, exacerbating Goodluck's reputation for fragility at a time when he can ill afford it. Secondly, it represents a short-term solution to a growing fiscal problem. Part of the motivation for trying to remove the  subsidy was simple necessity: In spite of Ms. Okonjo Iweala's efforts to reign in spending, Nigeria is running persistent deficits at a time when the price of crude oil, which provides roughly 80% of government revenue, has been consistently high. The last few budgets have repeatedly raised the "benchmark" price of crude oil, above which the proceeds of oil taxes are saved in the "Excess Crude Account". Simply put, the government is saving less and less oil revenue each year, and increasing its bet that oil prices will stay high. A drop in the world market could easily wipe out Nigeria's paltry savings, leaving the government unable to pay its debts, which are primarily held by domestic banks. The effects on the national economy would be swift and painful.

Removing the subsidy, or at least decreasing spending on it, was meant to stop the bleeding. If the controlled approach fails, it's probable that the subsidy will instead be removed all at once, with little warning, when the treasury finally runs out funds to satiate its seemingly limitless appetite for cash. This is the kind of event that could spell the end for Goodluck, and severely damage the electoral prospects of the ruling People's Democratic Party.

If Nigeria's present rulers wish to remain in power in future, they may have to finally turn and face the embedded institutions and mindsets that drive corruption in Nigeria. For now, it is the ordinary people who must cope with the consequences of their intransigence. As the proverb goes, "When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers."

Need 4 Speed Nigeria: "Comot For Road!"

NAVIGATING ABUJA

The city of Abuja may not be as picturesque, exciting, or endowed with a reliable electric supply as some places, but one art-form in which the city's urban planners transcended all expectations was the partial construction of roads. As a result, much of the city resembles an abortive racecourse, with dusty government buildings providing a suitably edifying backdrop for the millions of aspiring Formula 1 drivers who enthusiastically engage in the no-holds-barred-take-all-comers-any-flat-surface-will-do melee that is Nigerian driving. Adherence to traditional driving restrictions - such as speed limits, lanes, right of way, signaling, and driving on a particular side of the road - is entirely optional and unenforced, so that cars move around the road with the fluidity of a group of jittery snakes. 

Abuja's combination of (i) decent roads, (ii) thousands of civil servants commuting from the city’s surrounding “satellite towns”, and (iii) a strictly-enforced ban on the “Okada” bikes found in other parts of Nigeria has created a demand for transport which legions of green-and-white taxis and buses (passenger vans) have seized with both hands.

Sir, your chariot of fire awaits.

Abuja taxis really are terrific. They might not all be 100% roadworthy, but they are safe (I’ve had no problems after more than 500 journeys, knock on wood) and are available virtually regardless of time or place. A trip rarely costs more than $3, for which they will take you across town and wait for you at multiple stops. Most of all, in a sterile pre-fabricated city, they are an illuminating way of coming into contact with and learning about ordinary Nigerians. My conversations with taxi drivers, usually about whatever is in the newspapers or the radio on that day, are one of the best ways to find out what’s going on around the city and the country. Unfortunately, like all rough diamonds, Abuja taxis have their flaws.

THE UNFORTUNATE HABITS OF ABUJA TAXI DRIVERS

1) Not knowing where they are going

Abuja taxi drivers navigate the city firstly on the basis of landmarks, then neighborhoods, and only then, on rare occasions, by knowing actual street names. Communicating about unfamiliar locations can be a challenging at times, but most drivers will admit it if they don’t know where you want to go. Unfortunately, there is also a silent minority who, lured by the promise of a good fare from an Oyibo man, will pretend that he knows where you are going and start driving off in a random direction in the hope that you will somehow arrive at your desired destination. I honestly don’t know what these guys are thinking or what they would do if you just left them to it. Maybe they just drive home. No idea. Once you realize that the driver is groping in the dark and confront him about it, he will usually reply with the cryptic truism: “But you know where it is.” At this point, just find another cab.

2) Driving like a hyena on speed

Most Abuja taxi drivers are like taxis anywhere in the world – aggressive and impatient, but extremely practiced and controlled. However, since basically anyone with a car can be a taxi in Abuja, one occasionally comes across an absolute maniac, who typically wants to have an animated conversation about President Obama and Nigeria’s politicians over the music blasting from his broken radio, while he tailgates, runs red lights, hits speed bumps at 70 mph, and weaves through impossibly narrow gaps in traffic in a car with rust holes in the floor. These testosterone-fuelled cosmonauts always seem to have dodgy brakes as well.

That facial expression says it all.

3) Attempting to renegotiate the fare on the fly

To avoid exorbitant fares, it is best practice to agree a price with the driver before entering the cab. This negotiation is a complex one, and can depend on (i) your destination (ii) the availability of cabs (iii) the price of fuel (iv) traffic holdups (v) whether you are a foreigner (vi) your charisma and ability to speak pidgin and numerous other seasonal factors. On occasion, even this pricing formula is not enough: certain opportunistic individuals will interpret any form of unexpected delay or obstacle as an opportunity to restructure the price of your trip with complex conditionalities involving the time spent in traffic, the exact distance travelled (one guy tried to charge me extra for going about 100 meters further than we had agreed, after driving 5 miles across town without complaint) the length of a certain traffic light, or the possibility of adverse road conditions like rain. In principle, there’s nothing wrong with this behavior, since everything in Nigeria basically negotiable. However, it’s worth noting that these same taxi drivers will never offer to knock money off the price when the journey goes smoothly.

4) Going to get gas on the clock

For me, this is possibly the most annoying of all the bad habits, because it is so clearly premeditated. You might be forgiven for naively thinking, “Hey, maybe they ran out of gas by accident!” especially since the gas meters on most taxis are broken. Nonsense. When gas is your main variable cost, you know exactly how much is in the tank at all times, and drivers will soldier on until the car reaches its “true” empty. (In case you were not aware, cars still have a couple gallons in the tank when the meter reads ‘Empty’.) For some reason, certain drivers appear to think that it’s cool to announce that they need gas half way through a journey while pulling into the gas station line (there's always a line for gas) and then wonder why you jump out. Fortunately, there will always be another taxi pulling out of the gas station when you arrive. 

5) Arguing with people

Nigeria can be a pretty tough country in which to be a reserved and passive person, since the outcome of everyday disputes tends favor those who argue the most forcefully, rather than the person with the strongest argument. The lives of taxi drivers, who are hardened by the stresses of Nigerian driving, are no exception. This simmering road rage manifests itself in some unpredictable ways: Last week, the driver of my morning taxi got into a dispute with the man he was buying mobile phone credit from while we were stopped at red light, because the vendor didn’t have complete change. After shouting "Comot for road!" (Get off the road) and "You dey craze!" at one another a couple of times, the driver turned off the engine, and got out of the car to pursue the matter further, at which point the light naturally changed to green. For a few seconds, the drivers of the neighboring vehicles didn’t move either, transfixed as they were by our unfolding mini-drama.

Another amusing subplot is the cat-and-mouse game played by drivers of unlicensed taxis with the traffic police who are out to catch and fine them. If you notice the traffic cops approaching, one option is to quickly ask the driver his name and pretend that he is your personal chauffeur. Doing this successfully is probably the only way to get a free taxi ride in Nigeria.

This picture comes from the "International Brain Awareness Week" website.
The road safety officer on the left is holding a replica of the human brain. 
I have no words.

Nigerian Pidgin: how the plastic bag got its name

WETIN BE "PIDGIN"?

As noted in the last post, one of the things I've enjoyed learning about most during my time in Nigeria (aka. "Naija" or "9ja") is the form of "pidgin" English that people speak in casual settings. Pidgin is a great language; it's expressive, humorous, adaptable, and so deceptively complex that my knowledge of it is still only sufficient for very simple conversations, after more than a year of avid amateur learning.

This one no be pidgin!

When I asked one of my Nigerian friends to describe pidgin he called it "English, but flipped on its head," which I think is a good way to look at it. Pidgin uses mostly english words (or adaptations of english words, such as "dey" for "do") plus some words from the tribal languages mixed in, and with different sentence structures and word choice, for example:

"Wetin you dey talk?" for "What are you saying?"
"Abeg, make we go chop." for "Please, let's go eat." 

"Me self, I dey laugh, o!" for "I laughed."
"No wahala." for "No problem." (Hence, the url of this blog.)

The word "chop" can mean "to steal" as well as "to eat". For this reason, people will say quite literally that "politicians are eating our money." The words "now?" and "abi?" are also added to the ends of sentences to indicate a question:

"Wetin dey do you, noooow?" for "What are you doing?"

"Holdup dey for road, abi?" for "There's a traffic jam on the road, is it not?"

Note that this use of "now" means that you have to say "now now" if you actually want something now. Other words are often duplicated for emphasis as in "small small boy." Perhaps the two most useful words of all are "oga" for chief/boss/man and "oyibo" for foreigner or white person, which are pronounced "o-GA" and "oyibO" respectively. "Chairman" is also an acceptable substitute for oga, while an oyibo like me can been addressed as "Mr. White", "James Bond" and "Captain America" at various times.

This is me in Nigeria.

DIGRESSION: Note that these names often have nothing to do with where you are actually from. Don't take it personally. A surprising number of Nigerians have a tough time distinguishing between the ethnicities of pretty much all non-Africans. I once had the following interaction with a well-meaning taxi driver:

Taxi Driver: Sir, I want to go to your country, but I need a visa.
Me: Which country is that?
Taxi Driver: China!
Me: Sorry oga, can't help you there.

Similarly, random people often ask me if my Indian housemate is my sister, despite seemingly undeniable differences in our skin tone, facial features, eye and hair color, height, and basically general appearance. However, If you think this is a sign of ignorance or find it hard to believe that people could make such errors, you may want to ask yourself if you can consistently distinguish between Hausa, Yoruba and Igbo people (I still can't) or between west and east Africans. Didn't think so. DIGRESSION OVER.

One confusing phrase in common usage is "Well done!" which is used as a greeting, especially for people who are "on the job", and applies irrespective of whether they are actually doing anything, or doing it well. It takes some time to get used to not asking "For what?" when people greet you on your way into the grocers.

Another personal favorite is the exclamation, "Kai!!!" which is basically a much better version of words like "drat!" or "darn!" - a swear word for people wishing to avoid actual swearing. A single "Kai!" (pronounced like the greek letter "chi" in "chi-squared") conveys frustration or anger, while several Kais in quick succession: "Kai!Kai!Kai!" express something closer to exasperation or despair.

ALSO KNOWN AS...

Home cooking.

New pidgin words are often borne out of their association with something. Naturally, some of these are prominent brands names such as "Gala" for a sausage rolls, or "Indomie" for ramen/instant noodles. I realized I had been in Nigeria for a while when, after stopping at a traffic light on my way to work one morning, I started casually shouting "Gala! Gala!" to the street vendors. Naturally, they understood right away, and I had my breakfast in no time. Had I been shouting for a "Sausage roll!" instead, I would have been greeted with the sort of confused but sympathetic smiles that you give a child when it says something slightly stupid.

Some associations are more complex, such as the use of "4-1-9" for a scam or fraud. This apparently originates from the legal code, Section 419 presumably, that was put in place to address the infamous "advance fee" internet scams originating from the country.

Then there's "Dundee", an insult for someone who is foolish or incompetent, which supposedly originates from a long-ago series of nationwide exhibitions matches played by Scottish football club Dundee United, in which the visitors were summarily thrashed by their Nigerian opposition, and evidently failed to impress all around.

With that mascot, I can't say I'm suprised.

GHANA MUST GO!

However, the most interesting name I've heard is the one given to reusable plastic carrier bags of the sort that are often sold at supermarkets nowadays. I learned the name for this item the hard way when, shortly after getting to Nigeria, I went to Wuse market in Abuja to buy some random household stuff. (Sponges were required. It's a long story, involving three very unfortunate frozen chickens.)

I had seen other people walking around the market with reusable bags, and after about 10 minutes had accumulated enough items that I figured a bag would be useful. So I asked the shopkeeper if he had any of the "good plastic shopping bags." Silly me.

Maybe I was just unlucky, but this particular individual didn't seem to have any idea what I was talking about, although he was not about to let such trivialities prevent the successful conclusion of a sale. After several false starts we found a place that was selling them, and my shopping companion looked at me with dismay and said, "This one na Ghana-must-go."  

The term "Ghana-must-go" originates from 1983 when, in a fit of populism/jingoism, Nigeria's then-leader Shehu Shagari ordered the immediate mass expulsion of more than a million Ghanians living in Nigeria. (Nearly 30 years later, I think it's fair to say that this extraordinary action yielded no appreciable benefit to Nigerians. Take note, "anti-immigration" people.) To quote no less an authority than Harvard University's Radcliffe Quarterly: "In their rush to flee the country, these refugees turned cheap bags of woven plastic into makeshift luggage. A bag of this sort is now commonly referred to in Nigeria as a “Ghana must go.”

Aside from their surprising durability and cheapness, another praiseworthy feature of the Ghana-must-go is that their rectangular shape and low profile makes them ideal for accommodating large quantities of stacked banknotes. (One regularly-sized one supposedly accommodates exactly 10,000,000 naira in N1000 bills) Naturally, a pidgin phrase has evolved - to "carry ghana-must-go" - which describes the process of attempting to unduly influence public officials with a thoughtfully packaged bag of monetary instruments. This way, should the recepient decide to buy a new Land Cruiser Prado, or simply wish to depart the country at speed, it will be no wahala.

This is what $200,000 looks like.

Btw the hilarious "Stuff Nigerian People Like" blog has a good post on Ghana-must-go:
http://www.stuffnigerianpeoplelike.com/2009/08/31/ghana-must-go/

How to make Nigerian cops laugh, and avoid paying "dash"

WHAT IS "DASHING"?

Well... not exactly...                                                  

In Nigeria, it is common practice for police officers, immigration officials to ask visitors for a small "dash" which, depending on your worldview and whatnot, can be interpreted either as "a tip" or "bribe". (The difference is pretty trivial.) I think westerners tend to vastly overestimate the importance of bribery as a form of corruption because it's what visitors are exposed to the most. When I first got to Nigeria, I too assigned a lot of importance to these instances, thinking that I could get into some kind of major "wahala" (wahala is slang for "problem" or "issue") if I didn't pay, or that the requests for dash from official people were a sign of some kind of serious social/political problem in Nigeria. 

I don't want to encourage people to be flippant with Nigerian officials, or suggest that corruption is anything other than Nigeria's greatest social and political challenge (Note: I'll write more on that another time...) but the reality is that when people ask you for a dash, it's usually just a kind of hopeful opportunism, the thought process being: "Maybe this foreigner is rich and gullible enough to give me some money for basically no reason." This rather unfortunate relationship means that a lot of the foreigners I know in Nigeria often really dislike the cops and have a hard time with them. Personally, I find the situations pretty manageable, provided you have the right tools.

HOW TO AVOID DASHING

By far the most effective way to avoid dashing Nigerian cops is to tell them that they are fat. I'm serious. I've done this dozens of times, and they loved it every time, and I never dashed any of them. The only caveat is that it works better the skinnier you are.

Confused? Of course you are. This technique works because, while Nigeria has plenty of the same ostentatious, consumption-based "bling" culture that people seem to find so enthralling elsewhere (no idea why, it's lame) one thing they have not imported is the western obsession with being thin. (Personal note: it comes naturally... envy me.) For a lot of Nigerians, carrying a little bit of extra weight around is a visible sign of prosperity - a person with a belly must be eating well and living comfortably.  

Note: not an actual Nigerian cop.

This does not mean that shouting "you're fat" is going to work for you. The following example illustrates successful use of this highly effective tactic, with subtitles explaining the Nigerian pidgin english.

FADE IN.

You're driving at night, a policeman with AK-47 signals for you to pull your car over, and approaches the window for a chat.

Policeman:

Oga, anything for the boys?
[Hey man, give me some money.]

You wave your hands in exasperation and disbelief.

You:

A-a! A-beg Oga! Why noooow!?

[Come on, dude, leave me alone.]

Policeman looks annoyed/amused.

Policeman:

You want me to have a good weekend?
[Dude, I need money here.]

You point at his stomach, and then back at your own stomach.

You: 

Oga, see your belle... now, see my own... and you still want to chop my food? A beg, make I no starve!

[Dude, look how fat you are, and look how skinny I am, and you still want to take my money? Do you want me to starve?]

Policeman (laughing): 

A beg, go!

[Lol, you're cool. Go ahead.]

FADE OUT.

So there it is! With a little bit of practice it works every damn time, and the cops will find it hilarious, which can be helpful at times. (Note: on the other hand, if you're the kind of generous soul who feels like supplementing the income of policemen, who are paid peanuts, don't let me stop you.)

The serious point that I'm making here is that my most valuable asset in carrying out my daily business in Nigeria is knowing a little bit of the local pidgin language, but more importantly an understanding of their culture and sense of humor. I have also used bits of slang like "No wahalla." (meaning, "no problem") to break the tension in meetings at work, particularly when I was saying something that people weren't keen to hear. The response in Nigeria is almost always something like: "You are becoming a real Nigerian! Next we will find you a nice Nigerian girl to marry!"

Whether one embraces such marriage proposals is largely a matter of personal preference, as well as the financial implications of Nigerian weddings.

He's not cheap.