Need 4 Speed Nigeria: "Comot For Road!"

NAVIGATING ABUJA

The city of Abuja may not be as picturesque, exciting, or endowed with a reliable electric supply as some places, but one art-form in which the city's urban planners transcended all expectations was the partial construction of roads. As a result, much of the city resembles an abortive racecourse, with dusty government buildings providing a suitably edifying backdrop for the millions of aspiring Formula 1 drivers who enthusiastically engage in the no-holds-barred-take-all-comers-any-flat-surface-will-do melee that is Nigerian driving. Adherence to traditional driving restrictions - such as speed limits, lanes, right of way, signaling, and driving on a particular side of the road - is entirely optional and unenforced, so that cars move around the road with the fluidity of a group of jittery snakes. 

Abuja's combination of (i) decent roads, (ii) thousands of civil servants commuting from the city’s surrounding “satellite towns”, and (iii) a strictly-enforced ban on the “Okada” bikes found in other parts of Nigeria has created a demand for transport which legions of green-and-white taxis and buses (passenger vans) have seized with both hands.

Sir, your chariot of fire awaits.

Abuja taxis really are terrific. They might not all be 100% roadworthy, but they are safe (I’ve had no problems after more than 500 journeys, knock on wood) and are available virtually regardless of time or place. A trip rarely costs more than $3, for which they will take you across town and wait for you at multiple stops. Most of all, in a sterile pre-fabricated city, they are an illuminating way of coming into contact with and learning about ordinary Nigerians. My conversations with taxi drivers, usually about whatever is in the newspapers or the radio on that day, are one of the best ways to find out what’s going on around the city and the country. Unfortunately, like all rough diamonds, Abuja taxis have their flaws.

THE UNFORTUNATE HABITS OF ABUJA TAXI DRIVERS

1) Not knowing where they are going

Abuja taxi drivers navigate the city firstly on the basis of landmarks, then neighborhoods, and only then, on rare occasions, by knowing actual street names. Communicating about unfamiliar locations can be a challenging at times, but most drivers will admit it if they don’t know where you want to go. Unfortunately, there is also a silent minority who, lured by the promise of a good fare from an Oyibo man, will pretend that he knows where you are going and start driving off in a random direction in the hope that you will somehow arrive at your desired destination. I honestly don’t know what these guys are thinking or what they would do if you just left them to it. Maybe they just drive home. No idea. Once you realize that the driver is groping in the dark and confront him about it, he will usually reply with the cryptic truism: “But you know where it is.” At this point, just find another cab.

2) Driving like a hyena on speed

Most Abuja taxi drivers are like taxis anywhere in the world – aggressive and impatient, but extremely practiced and controlled. However, since basically anyone with a car can be a taxi in Abuja, one occasionally comes across an absolute maniac, who typically wants to have an animated conversation about President Obama and Nigeria’s politicians over the music blasting from his broken radio, while he tailgates, runs red lights, hits speed bumps at 70 mph, and weaves through impossibly narrow gaps in traffic in a car with rust holes in the floor. These testosterone-fuelled cosmonauts always seem to have dodgy brakes as well.

That facial expression says it all.

3) Attempting to renegotiate the fare on the fly

To avoid exorbitant fares, it is best practice to agree a price with the driver before entering the cab. This negotiation is a complex one, and can depend on (i) your destination (ii) the availability of cabs (iii) the price of fuel (iv) traffic holdups (v) whether you are a foreigner (vi) your charisma and ability to speak pidgin and numerous other seasonal factors. On occasion, even this pricing formula is not enough: certain opportunistic individuals will interpret any form of unexpected delay or obstacle as an opportunity to restructure the price of your trip with complex conditionalities involving the time spent in traffic, the exact distance travelled (one guy tried to charge me extra for going about 100 meters further than we had agreed, after driving 5 miles across town without complaint) the length of a certain traffic light, or the possibility of adverse road conditions like rain. In principle, there’s nothing wrong with this behavior, since everything in Nigeria basically negotiable. However, it’s worth noting that these same taxi drivers will never offer to knock money off the price when the journey goes smoothly.

4) Going to get gas on the clock

For me, this is possibly the most annoying of all the bad habits, because it is so clearly premeditated. You might be forgiven for naively thinking, “Hey, maybe they ran out of gas by accident!” especially since the gas meters on most taxis are broken. Nonsense. When gas is your main variable cost, you know exactly how much is in the tank at all times, and drivers will soldier on until the car reaches its “true” empty. (In case you were not aware, cars still have a couple gallons in the tank when the meter reads ‘Empty’.) For some reason, certain drivers appear to think that it’s cool to announce that they need gas half way through a journey while pulling into the gas station line (there's always a line for gas) and then wonder why you jump out. Fortunately, there will always be another taxi pulling out of the gas station when you arrive. 

5) Arguing with people

Nigeria can be a pretty tough country in which to be a reserved and passive person, since the outcome of everyday disputes tends favor those who argue the most forcefully, rather than the person with the strongest argument. The lives of taxi drivers, who are hardened by the stresses of Nigerian driving, are no exception. This simmering road rage manifests itself in some unpredictable ways: Last week, the driver of my morning taxi got into a dispute with the man he was buying mobile phone credit from while we were stopped at red light, because the vendor didn’t have complete change. After shouting "Comot for road!" (Get off the road) and "You dey craze!" at one another a couple of times, the driver turned off the engine, and got out of the car to pursue the matter further, at which point the light naturally changed to green. For a few seconds, the drivers of the neighboring vehicles didn’t move either, transfixed as they were by our unfolding mini-drama.

Another amusing subplot is the cat-and-mouse game played by drivers of unlicensed taxis with the traffic police who are out to catch and fine them. If you notice the traffic cops approaching, one option is to quickly ask the driver his name and pretend that he is your personal chauffeur. Doing this successfully is probably the only way to get a free taxi ride in Nigeria.

This picture comes from the "International Brain Awareness Week" website.
The road safety officer on the left is holding a replica of the human brain. 
I have no words.